Becoming “Grandma”

A reflection on how a Thirsty Thursday Hoe transitions into the Grandma lifestyle.

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(This photo was the safest one I could find with me and alcohol)

Now this is not something I proudly admit, but yes, I was a Thirsty Thursday hoe. This isn’t a reflection on any possible promiscuity of mine which I will make no comment on, but rather it’s a name that reflects my tendency and any college student’s tendency to go out and party at least once or twice during the week. There was a time when I would work 11am-8pm on a Friday, rush home to shower and change, hit the party/bars/formal at 10, get home at 2am, and then wake up at 5:45am (Yes you read that right) to make it to my opening shift at 6:30am that next Saturday.

I will say, once you fall into this routine it becomes an almost addictive habit. It’s fun to be out late with your friends and it’s fun not knowing what will happen or who you’ll meet. And of course, drinking can be fun if done the right way. College life in general is structured around staying up late, waking up late or forcing yourself to wake up early for class. The college schedule is loud and busy in about twenty different ways. Going out on the weekend (and on week nights) just becomes part of the chaotic lifestyle sometimes. Turn this into four years back-to-back, and you’ll forget what it was like to think 10pm was late. That is, until you graduate and get on normal people schedule again.

I don’t know if this happens for everyone, but it seemed like the second I crossed over to the “other side,” my body decided it had had enough of my unstable sleeping schedule and it could no longer pull extra, reserve energy out of my ass for any wild nights.

It was time to be an almost adult. First step, adjusting to the adult schedule. Which meant no more Margarita Mondays, Tequila Tuesdays, Wasted Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, day-ragers and barely any regular Friday nights. Also, no more getting home at 2am and waking up for work at 7am. Adult jobs require a brain it turns out, which doesn’t function with less than 6 hours of sleep and a stomach full of Peach Amsterdam.

Do you wanna know why old people only go out Saturdays? It’s because it’s the only day when they don’t work and the only night they can sleep in for the next day. It’s sad guys; until it isn’t. Because if you’re like me, once you reach this point the desire to go out barely even exists. And….it’s kinda nice.

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“What???” The undergrads may ask.

Yes, it is kind of nice. And that is how a Thirsty Thursday Hoe becomes The Grandma.

So, now that you’re a grandma, what do you do? How do you live life as a grandma? Well first things first:

  1. You like the idea of being in bed by 9.
  2. When presented the option of going out or being lazy with a movie night, it’s obvious you’re not going anywhere.
  3. You find yourself worrying about fiber intake, digestion and nutrition. Because, what a shock, this body can’t last on liquor and cheese puffs forever. Plus you actually have time to care about health.
  4. You may look at any college kids you still know and drop your jaw over the things they are doing on a Tuesday night (as if you never were in that position yourself).
  5. There also might be a slight disconnect from the world through social media.
  6. You might even catch yourself referring to anyone a year or more younger than you as “The Youth.”
  7. And when did taking shots get so hard? Where is the hoe I used to know?

She went nigh-nighs, and won’t be waking up for a loooong time.

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7 thoughts on “Becoming “Grandma”

  1. I laughed so much while reading this post, because i can relate! I remember when I stopped going out during undergrad everyone kept telling me that I retired. Now that I’m a postgrad and opt for vodka sodas all my friends still in school are like “whaaaat are you drinking?” I understand exactly what you mean by “crossing to the other side,” because my body did the exact same!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is very true, although I find myself cycling through periods of being a Thirsty Thursday Ho and Grandma since I graduated from college. For example: when I moved to Poland it was very easy to become a Thirsty Thursday Ho again! Vodka and beer are so cheap and bars never close! But now that I’m traveling almost every other weekend, the weekends I stay home, I fall asleep by 10 pm. Partying all the time takes a toll on my body now that I’m olddd.

    Like

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